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ErikStenger

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1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
 
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
 
10 Rap Lyrics Even Vanilla Ice Wouldn't Use

10. "My rhymes are mad famous, tighter than an anus."

9. "My flow's so smooth it's immune to friction. Step on me and you'll lose your traction."

8. "My skills' so ill, you'll catch gonorrhea. Then you'll get shipped, to North Korea."

7. "When I roll up, you got no chance. Like you forgot to clap, during a square-dance."

6. "So many women, in my ride. When they all said 'no', I almost cried."

5. "You know me, I make that money. I give it to my pimp, the easter bunny."

4. "Don't ever think, I'll get dismissed. Cause I got more drugs than a Pharmacist."

3. "We go nowhere, without our guns. Now we're protected, from those damn nuns."

2. "You love the gleam, of my ice. You like my jewellery, to be precise."

1. "If you cross the line, I'll take you out. Dinner and movie, then a makeout."
 
10 Worst Answers to Standard Interview Questions

Why did your leave your last job?
My last employer frowned on teabagging in the workplace.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
It will have been 4 years and 364 days since I farted during a job interview.

Describe a situation where you were successful.
I was at a house party one time and a drunk girl passed out on a couch - I was able to successfully grope her.

How do you deal with conflict in the workplace?
I find that threatening physical violence resolves most inter-office disputes.

Describe your biggest weakness.
I am desperate enough to work for your company.

If you were an animal, which animal would you be?
A pigeon. I think I would be very good at pooping on people from altitude.

How would you describe yourself?
Horribly good-looking and hung like a thoroughbred horse.

What is your ideal work environment?
A workplace full of open-minded females. And a midget.

What 3 adjectives would you use to describe yourself?
Desperate, horny, available.

Why should I hire you?
Because the other guy you interviewed is a bigger coke fiend than I am.
 
My Little Pony: Reign of Buttercup Sprinkles

Fuck Wolverine. Fuck Transformers 2. The movie to go see this year is My Little Pony: Reign of Buttercup Sprinkles. It is your worst nightmare come true. Cute looking ponies with wings and shit running havoc on Planet Earth. Biting and scaring mankind like never before. An acid trip come true and only a bale of hay or a shotgun can save us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXoYK4b_q24
 
We love cars, but there's nothing quite like the feeling of freedom you get on a motorcycle. The smells carried by the wind, the rumble of the engine and your dog in your lap.

Awesome_Dog.jpg
 
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